I had a good conversation with my friend, Jacob, about our goals with the academic training we are receiving at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary and (hopefully) beyond. Here’s my confession: I didn’t go to school because I wanted to be a pastor. I went to school because I love to study. I got hooked on the Biblical languages and theology and never looked back. I never intended to be a minister. Anytime someone asks me why I’m in school, I always tell them that I want to research the world the Bible and teach hopefully in a university and especially in the church.
I’m in a place right now where I get to use my teaching gifts. I will be preaching this Sunday night, and I have been teaching through the book of Joshua in Sunday School. I love it.
I’m in school because I love scholarship. I’m not seeking glory. I have too many doubts about my own abilities to even begin to dream of making a Wellhausian-impact in the realm of Old Testament studies. I simply want to contribute. I want to widen my own knowledge of the field, contribute to scholarship in some way, and transfer what I’ve learned to the church (which is one of my favorite things to do).
I still battle some sense of shame when I say that I’m not in school to be a pastor. I love and respect my pastors. I consider the office of pastor a noble one. We lay all these burdens we lay on our pastors – administration, counselling, preaching, teaching, etc. I think we’ve professionalized office. I have two (personal) problems with that. First, I don’t want “pastor” to be my job. I don’t want to be “Pastor” Nathaniel. I’m fine with just Nathaniel. I’ll do what I’m gifted at doing. I’m more than willing to preach and teach. I’m willing to grow in areas I’m not strong in as well. I, however, don’t want all the expectations we lay on our pastors, and I definitely don’t want it to be a job in the same way that programming is a job. Second, I enjoy being a “lay person;” although, I really don’t think “lay person” is the right word. An unfortunate side effect of the professionalization of the ministry is that we have “pastors” and “lay-people.” Two groups of people, one church. I just want to be a part of the community of believers. I don’t want a title.
At the end of this reflection, I don’t know if my lack of desire to be a pastor is to my shame and reflects a lack of courage on my part. I hope not. I really do love serving in the capacity that I do. I’m willing to grow where ever I’m planted. I just don’t want to be a professional minister.
nathanielcooley 
Great post! Personally I think you have great potential to make significant contributions to the field. You have the passion for it and certainly the mind. On another note, I think digging into the original languages and wrestling with the issues that arise from both within the text and from academia is a very courageous undertaking and not for the faint-of-heart or timid-of-faith. Carry on!
I wholeheartedly agree. Keep doing what you are doing. Long, long ago when I attended elementary, junior high, and high school at a Free Will Baptist church-school, I and other students were told that we should attend a Christian college and pursue lifetime service in the form of being a pastor or church-school teacher/staff. While that’s certainly a noble pursuit, I believe that all Christians are called into service no matter what career they choose. I believe that some people are better suited to witness in more secular fields. Besides, without outlets to those organizations, how would the church ever grow? It is crucial that Christians commune among non-believers as Jesus did. Unfortunately, the aforementioned church-school did not hold to the same beliefs.
All that to say that I understand your questioning whether you should be a pastor or not. Moreover, I would understand you feeling a certain sense of obligation to lead, especially since you have acquired more knowledge than most from an original translation standpoint. I think many pastors lack such an in-depth view at the Word of God. I, like you, have never felt God calling me to become a pastor. I completely understand your position and hold to similar.
In regards to your post, I feel that your observation of the professionalization of the ministry is an astute one. I often feel like there is far too much division within the church and, consequently, Christianity as a whole. It is very important that one realize the infallibility of man and that every man, whether clergy or layperson, is imperfect and constantly in need of God’s grace.
I think you are on a great track. I do not know your heart, but I can tell through your actions that you are in God’s will. Do not be discouraged by doubts and other stumbling blocks. You have been a positive influence in my life already, and I believe that your theological knowledge will benefit a great many people in times to come. You do not have to be a “leader” of a church to be a pastor. I think becoming a pastor could even limit your contribution to the body of Christ. Keep fighting the fight and stay on course. I hope to find a course as noble.
This is the first time, I’ve seen this, Nathaniel.
Thank you for stating succinctly what we who respect and love you like to know.
It’s my honor to support whatever decisions you and Grace make. Blessings